Red Band Society: We Ranked the Best Moments by How Many Tissues We Used

We're so sad and yet so happy and we are perfectly ok with it.

By Lauren Piester Sep 18, 2014 5:45 AMTags
Red Band Society ArtFOX

The happiest sad show on TV premiered tonight, and we hope you loved it as much as we did. If you didn't, we can no longer be friends, and you will be asked to return that "Best Friends Forever" necklace we gave you for our last friend-iversary.

That premiere was filled with so many beautiful, tear-jerking moments that we're going to have to make a Target run tomorrow (oh darn!) to get more tissues in advance of allergy season and also more episodes of Red Band Society.

Because we like to rate things and we also like a good cry, we've rated our favorite moments from the premiere with how many tissues were necessary to survive them. You're welcome. 

-          We know we're in for quite a ride when we learned that our narrator, Charlie was in a coma. We're not crying yet, but we clutch 1 tissue in preparation.

-          When Kara blows smoke into Charlie's face, we blow our nose into 1 tissue then throw it at Kara's face/the TV screen because that is horrifying.

-          When Leo and Jordi start to bond! Do we smell TV's newest bromance? We are definitely sniffling, so we have to grab tissue #2.

-          Then Jordi asked Leo if the surgery was going to hurt and we started to lose it a little. Tissue #2 was a goner, so we grabbed a third.

-          Then Jordi and Emma started bonding! There are too many relationships and they're all adorable and we love it so much that we were crying happy tears til we have to hit up tissue #4.

-          But then Charlie started talking to Kara when she passed out and tissue #4 didn't even stand a chance. Tell my dad it's not my fault? So. Many. Tears.

-          Or we thought that was a lot of tears, until Kara overheard that she had very little chance of getting the new heart she needs, thanks to her poor decision-making. Get outta here, tissue #5 and also #6. 

-          And the "volunteer" playing guitar by Charlie's bed is actually his dad?! Come on. Tissues 7, 8, 9, whatever, we're losing track at this point.

-          Dash and Leo are throwing a goodbye party for Jordi's leg. Charlie's dad bought them beer. 12 tissues? Who knows? And the hospital staff are letting them stay on the roof, thinking they're getting away with it? And there's guitar-playing? We can't.

-          Then Kara told Charlie's dad what coma-Charlie said and we are a giant cry monster nearly buried in a pile of tissues until Leo starts giving out his red bands or something, maybe. We can't actually see anymore.

-          We're blinded by tears but we're told that Jordi asked Emma to dance with him while Leo looked on from the hallway and how do we even have this many emotions or tissues or tears in our faces?!

-          Leo gave Charlie a red band? We actually can't take any more of this. It's too much. Too many feels, as the internet would say. Not enough tissues in the universe.

Kara asked the windows to send pizza. Nurse "Scary Bitch" Jackson saw the windows and sent the pizza. We are out of tissues and never had any pizza and we can't stop crying!

-          Sure Kara, try to wake Charlie up with the pizza while Jordi runs through the halls one last time before surgery and then gives Emma his red band after she lost hers. Go ahead, Nurse Jakson, and smile to yourself and at that nice-looking man on the bus while Leo waits for Jordi in the waiting room. Not like we were completely out of tears or anything. We're perfectly ok with now being dehydrated and completely lost in a sea of tissues and sadness but also pure unadulterated happiness at the magic of television. Final tissue count: 14 billion, approximately.

No, you're being too dramatic! You go to bed! We're staying up to watch Red Band Society one more time.