ABCWell that was basically a full-on Bachelor/Bachelorette reunion!
We got Nick from Andi Dorfman's season, we got Ashley I. and Ashley S. from Chris Soules', and, as expected, we got a whole lot of dramaaaaa, with a little help from the best/worst bromance of all time, Clint and JJ.
Not only does Kaitlyn now have to choose between a a crop of hot guys and a guy who was deemed by Amy Schumer to be a "turd," but she's also just added a new dude with a whole season of the show already under his belt.
Basically, we don't envy her, mostly. We also don't envy the rest of the guys, because when Nick showed up, Kaitlyn looked more excited than she has about anything else all season. But more on that later!
First, let's head back to the beginning because we've got some serious Clint drama to deal with.
Kaitlyn confronted Clint about how he's an a—hole, and he just kept countering by talking about JJ.
"Me and JJ, we've become like best best best friends," he whined.
"This isn't about JJ!" Kaitlyn says, because it isn't.
Whatever. He's an idiot, and he's goin' home.
Meanwhile, JJ's inside giving interviews about his BBBF, Clint.
"He'll still be my friend. I'll defend him. I'll probably know him the rest of my life."
After that sweet statement, imagine our surprise when JJ turned around and told Clint he needed to apologize for "taking time and emotions" away from the guys and Kaitlyn.
We couldn't really understand Clint and JJ's ensuing conversation due to all the bleeps, but it did not sound like a convo between two guys who will know each other for the rest of their lives, unless one of them is about to murder the other one.
Kaitlyn goes on about how even JJ is calling Clint out, while JJ is actually crying during his own interview and not since Ashley S.'s onion/pomegranate soliloquy has this show felt so raw, so real.
We'll miss you, artist of the finest picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops that has ever been:
RIP
Kaitlyn then decides she's too emotional and feeling good about everybody to have a rose ceremony, and they might as well get rid of it completely because at this rate, it's not really even necessary.
So, up next, the whole gang is headed to New York for a week of rap battles, Broadway, and, you know, Nick.
While Kaitlyn pondered her life choices all by herself on a boat, the guys could totally see themselves falling in love in New York, unlike, apparently, Los Angeles (because they were all probably too dehydrated to see much of anything).
Shawn and JJ and a few other specimens got to go have a rap battle, led by Doug E. Fresh.
It was uneventful and lame for a rap battle (as expected), except for two gems.
First, JJ said this: "I've literally listened to zero rap in my entire life. I listen to broadway showtunes religiously."
Then, Justin received the rose for inadvertently forcing Shawn B. to show us all his abs, blinding us with beauty for the rest of the show (we wish) so we don't have to see what happens next: Kaitlyn discovers Nick, hanging out at the rap battle, taking pictures with people who are apparently fans.
(Ashley I., the virgin, was also there, but didn't get a chance to inform us as to her current level of sexual experience, unfortunately.)
Kaitlyn actually freaked out and looked more excited than she's looked all season so far, so it was sort of silly to watch her pretend she was even vaguely questioning the idea of letting Nick join the show.
The other guys are understandably and rightly unhappy when she told them about the new addition, and they immediately analyzing their "better and stronger connections" with Kaitlyn, like they're comparing internet in 2003.
"My heart is a weird place to be right now," Kaitlyn says, sometime around when she goes to get some hair expertise with a side of relationship advice from the one and only Ashley S.
Ashley, who Kaitlyn claims is an "intelligent person," does actually give some good advice when she says the feelings are just lust, and they might go away, or they might be something real, but she won't know until she actually tries them out.
Anyway, Kaitlyn wants to sleep on it, and by sleep on it, she means go on a one-on-one with Jared. He still looks like a cartoon supervillain, but he's totally sweet during the date. They have dinner and ride in a helicopter, and whatever, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.
At this point we're over it. We're over all of it. Hot guys? Over it. Stupid dates? Over it. Shawn B. Over it (just kidding). Ashley S.? Over it. Kaitlyn talking to Nick in the rain right after getting her hair done? We don't even curr.
We would curr so much, however, if the guys actually followed through on their discussion to possibly revolt. We would die to see a season where all the suitors decided to revolt against the Bachelor or Bachelorette, all while forming beautiful friendships and also possibly a boy/girl band in the process.
For now, however, that remains just a distant dream, because there's still a whole bunch of Broadway shows that have yet to be tainted by reality television.
Kaitlyn takes the rest of the dudes to learn the Broadway ropes from the cast of Aladdin, which is awesome, and forces them to sing (and pop out of the floor!), which is not so awesome (except for popping out of the floor!). Cupcake does pretty much just fine, so he wins the prize of getting to stand on stage with Kaitlyn for five seconds during the actual show.
Then it was time for Nick to arrive at the hotel, and of course, the episode ended just as he opened the door to a room full of men who already hate his guts, followed by cameras feeding images to a nation of millions who also aren't big fans after what happened during Andi's season. Buuut we'll have to see how that goes next week.
We're really unsure of how any of this is going to go, given how Kaitlyn is so clearly already more smitten with Nick than she is with anyone else. We're also not so clear on what has happened to a season that started out so promising with all those dudes getting to vote on which woman was prettier by putting roses in their boxes.
We never want to watch this show again, but tune in next week to see what happens next anyway!