Mathieu Young/Heidi Gutman/BravoHurricane Bethenny finally touched down in Miami on tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, bringing her storm of text messages with her. And while her complete path of destruction remains to be seen in the weeks to come, we can report that, at the time she made landfall, she blew in at, at least, a category four.
After being teased last week, we finally learned the content of these texts that Bethenny Frankel received in the middle of the night that could potentially destroy Luann de Lesseps' relationship with new fiance Tom D'Agostino. It turns out that ol' Tom (a founding member of the Real Housewives Double-Dipper club, lest you forget). It turns out that a night before he flew down to Palm Beach to celebrate his engagement while simultaneously trying to avoid former flames Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer, he was spotted at the Regency Hotel (one of his regular haunts, it seems) making out for over an hour with "a girl that happened to also have been either a Playmate or a Playboy bunny," the difference of which Bethenny isn't sure.
We'll let Ramona speak for all of us: "What is he, a moron?"
Will Bethenny tell Luann? That remains to be seen, but with Ramona "Ticking Timebomb" Singer screaming, "I don't want to think it's true because now it's gonna come out of my f--king mouth," she doesn't have much time on her hands to figure out her next step. Whatever she does, at least she has some damning proof.
"I have a picture of him and the girl making out," she said before the dreaded "To Be Continued" popped up as a stunned Carole Radziwill stared in disbelief. Stunned Carole is all of us.
Of course, it wasn't all Hurricane Bethenny and her bombshells. On the road to Miami, we got one of Dornida Medley's patented drunk toasts, some of her patented pot-stirring, Ramona showing up with the receipts as she sparred with Luann over gossip in the press, and a further look into the deteriorating marriage of Michael and Jules Wainstein. (Seriously, he couldn't handle hanging with his kids for a few days without dumping them at his parents? Not cool.)
Our favorite one-liners:
"If you keep rubbing up against me, I might turn into a diamond!" - Sonja
"A big reason I wanted to go to the engagement party is because I would not miss the sideshow of Ramona and Sonja and Luann all in the same room with Tom." Same, Carole. Same.
"We have no clue what she said." - Man, regarding Dorinda's drunk toast
"Neither does she." - Carole
"I started shit, though….I thought I'd have a nice breakfast now that I started shit." - Dorinda
"No, they were making love late at night after drinking heavily." - Dorinda, getting real about Sonja and Tom's decade-long "lovers" relationship
"Well, I'm the one marrying him, so that's it. End of story. I'm walking down the aisle." We get it, Luann. You won!
"She smells like a grapefruit." - Tom, about Ramona, to Carole
"I should've put underwear on." - Sonja
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)