Dave Bjerke/NBC; INFphoto.com

In a recent interview, Ricky Gervais opened up about his feelings regarding bad parents.  He believes that there are too many "useless people" having children, and that's why there are so many unwanted kids in the world. 

Gervais believes we should impose a limitation:  "If there's a woman in leggings, eating chips with a fag in her mouth, sterilise her."

That means if it's up to Ricky, Lindsay Lohan won't be allowed to have kids.

A talking female sex robot named Roxxxy was recently "unveiled" at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas.  Her inventor Douglas Hines, who I'm guessing is single, introduced her and explained that the robot is made from hypoallergenic silicone.  The battery lasts for about 3 hours once it's charged, which is about 2 hours and 57 and a half minutes more than most men will need her to last. 

About the robot, Hines boasted, "She doesn't vacuum or cook, but she does almost everything else."

Roxxxy only speaks English for now, but Hines' True Companion company is developing a Spanish version.  So obviously the robot will eventually…vacuum and cook.

Flynetonline.com

Former Baywatch star and current a-hole Pamela Anderson has signed to be on the next season of Dancing With the Stars.  According to RadarOnline, Pam and the show have agreed to all terms, and the deal is done. 

I didn't find the details of her demands, but I'm sure a trailer was involved.  Not the kind a movie star usually uses, the kind you find in an actual trailer park. 

For once, I'm actually looking forward to the next season of this show.  It should be interesting to see them shoot the show from Pamela's natural habitat, the sea. 

The only thing that could make this more exciting would be if they got David Hasselhoff to join her on the show.  Unfortunately, he's at the bottom of a bottle and can't be reached.

A study published by the University of St. Andrews and Edinburgh University in Scotland found that by the time most women are 30 years old, they've lost 90 percent of their ovarian eggs.  I clarified "ovarian" to avoid any confusion for my readers who aren't bright. 

As far as I'm concerned, this is great news.  Finally, I can start having unprotected sex again.  All of these women having babies late in life really had my tubes in a knot…not literally the surgical knot that keeps you from getting pregnant, but the figurative knot that keeps you from being able to pork sans birth control. 

Planned Parenthood, I'd like to thank you for all the years of dedicated support, but I will no longer be paying you bi-monthly visits.  I shall pass on my punchcard to a younger, eggier blonde who really needs it.  I wouldn't want it to go to waste…I was just one punch away from a free vanilla latte. 

I don't know why Planned Parenthood serves lattes, but it sure put a pep in my step when I took a shameful walk down their lonely hallways.

INFphoto.com

According to a report in the Chicago Sun Times, Madonna and Jesus Luz have broken up.  The article also claims that Jesus is the one who initiated the breakup, not Madonna.  Supposedly he ended the relationship due to their "overall lack of mutual interests."

 Translation:  He's moving on to someone younger, hopefully Betty White.

PacificCoastNews.com

John Mayer spoke to The Independent about his thoughts regarding Tiger Woods and the scandal surrounding his affairs. 

Mayer explained that if he himself was to send out "dirty" text messages to random women in the world, it wouldn't be a problem.  There wouldn't be a public "agenda" or backlash, because he's a single man.  The only reason that Mayer believes that the Tiger Woods scandal is a big deal to people, is because Tiger is married. 

Thanks for clearing that up, moron.  That's why it is called an affair.  Next time John Mayer will be explaining to the world that the only reason people care about Kirstie Alley's weight gain is because she's fat.

Paul Drinkwater/NBCU Photo Bank via AP Images

RadarOnline caught Nick Nolte wandering around Venice looking through garbage.  Venice, California, that is…I don't think he's allowed out of the country. 

Nolte went through trash cans outside of people's homes claiming that he was looking for a "bag" that he had lost.  Hinting to what was in the bag, Nolte said somebody had probably "swallowed a bottle of Xanax by now…and a beer or two."

I feel bad for him.  He's already lost his dignity, now he lost his fun bag?  I would like Nick to know…if I had found that bag, I would have returned the beer.

Carlos Costas, PacificCoastNews.com

In an interview with News of the World, Michael Buble's ex-girlfriend called the singer out on some of his unpleasant behavior. 

Tiffany Bromley is an ex-model and now a wigmaker, so I'm guessing she has a bit of an agenda.  I don't think anybody who has a modeling career secretly dreams of getting out of that business and making wigs. 

Bromley claims that Buble was once a nice guy, but success turned him into a "self-obsessed jerk."  Apparently he bragged to her many times that he had a great penis.  She also said that he had a foul mouth, smoked a lot of pot, would get the munchies, raid the hotel mini bar, and consume several Snickers. 

Obviously, the problem is Tiffany.

Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images; Donato Sardella/Getty Images

Music producer Rodney Jenkins wants to combine the talents of Lady Gaga and Lindsay Lohan.  So obviously the word "talent" only applies to half of the subjects of that sentence. 

Jenkins feels that the two could make an "amazing collaboration," as long as Lindsay can stay focused.  He said that be believes Lohan "has what it takes," and so he told her, "You’ve got what it takes."  He's really trying to drive that point home. 

I wouldn't count on Lindsay to focus on anything that she can't smoke, and the only thing she should be collaborating with is a vagina.

Flynet

I recently picked up a little magazine called British Star.  It's pretty much like the American version of Star magazine but it uses the word "chat" instead of talk, and it's more expensive. 

A story about Suri Cruise caught my eye.  According to the magazine, Suri has decided that she'd like to be an actress.  She reportedly loves her dance lessons so much, that she asked her parents if she could also enroll in some acting classes.  In the U.S., that's called a "double threat," and it's not to be taken lightly.   

Suri is three years old, but she's growing up fast, and obviously her parents are just going to have to adjust.  Tom Cruise is supposedly "thrilled" that she wants to be an actress, but when she starts taking roles from him we'll see how happy he is. 

If the next installment of Mission Impossible could cast her in the lead role instead of Tom, they'd save a lot of money on apple boxes.

INFphoto.com

The Octomom held an interview with People magazine to mark the one-year anniversary of her giving birth to a litter of children.  Her real name is Nadya Suleman, but who cares about that part?

She told People that one of her biggest challenges is "bonding with her babies."  She needs the help of nannies, but wants to avoid the feeling that the kids are being raised in a "group home." I"m sure that's difficult since they are a large group being raised in a home. 

She also said that she "doesn’t get much sleep," which I assumed was because she was 14 kids.  But she went on to explain that she goes to the gym "in the middle of the night," several times a week. 

What…a mess.

Lester Cohen/Getty Images

Star magazine reported that during the Vikings/Cowboys game in Minneapolis, Prince needed a booster because his chair was too low for him to see the football game. 

Chuy was actually having the same problem when he and I watched it together, but I couldn't leave the TV long enough to help him since I had bet $100 grand that the game would only last one quarter.  Once I lost that bet, we stopped watching the game and went to Sizzler. 

The article about Prince reported that the singer was "embarrassed" that they had to bring him pillows to sit on.  No kidding, but I think the real victims here…are the pillows, the color purple and Oprah.