Bitch-Back! Longing for the Golden Age of Jutney!
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Dear Ted:
I am one of those sad Britney and Justin fanatics. For a long while now I have accepted that their two ships have passed. But my hope has just been renewed! Last week John Mayer talked smack about Brit to Ryan Seacrest, then Justin lampoons him with Jimmy Fallon. This has to mean something, right?
—Gerald
Dear Mouse Club Reunion:
It means Mayer's as easy a punch line as Britney is nowadays—prolly even more!
Dear Ted:
Please get me the inside scoop on the drama with The Bachelor! Something about it just doesn't seem right...I feel like Molly knew beforehand.
—Anonymous
Dear Bachelor Bitching:
Damn! Are three different exclusives not enough for ya?
Dear Ted:
Is Judas Jack-Off Zac Efron?
—Lance
Dear Zac Attack:
We're not exactly buying Zac and Vanessa's puppy love as the real thing, but Effy's not Jack-Off.
Dear Ted:
Mark my words, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck will have baby No. 3 in two years.
—Mimi
Dear Ben:
Kids don't save failing marriages, they just might make 'em last a little longer.
Dear Ted:
OK, so I think maybe I actually figured this out. Schlong Sleaze-Wad is Ben Affleck and Nevis Divine is Matt Dallas. Also, Ted, beautiful Ted, I love you! I'm gay, 28, 6-foot and Italian. Need a pool boy?
—Scornedsunshine
Dear Ciao Bella:
No on Ben, no on Matt (close, though), and sorry, sweetie, no on the last offer, the Casablanca casa doesn't come with a pool. Do ya know how to program TiVo, though?
Dear Ted:
Last night I had a dream I was reading the Awful Truth from a Barnes & Noble in central Illinois. I looked over and guess what? You were at a table writing the Awful Truth at another laptop! We started joking around and decided to go outside for a cigarette! The thing is I don't smoke, and I don't think you do either. Do you think this is a sexual reference in my dream? Please let me know if you ever plan to visit a Barnes & Noble in Central Illinois and we can pursue this further.
—thrasher_1967
Dear Dreamweaver:
Don't smoke, dearie, haven't for years—same with chatting up strangers at a bookstore. But dream on, babe!
Dear Ted:
Is Brain-Fry Noodlestein Jason Goldberg? Am I way off?
—Molly, DC
Dear Brain-Dead Guess:
You're speaking of Soleil Moon Frye's producer hubby? Not our man—BFN's much more prominent in front of the scenes than behind. But not for much longer.
Dear Ted:
I was wondering who the lucky blond lady is that is always in the background shots of Robert Pattinson when he's at the airport, the Oscars, and other public events—and how did she get to be so lucky? Also, has anyone told Rob that he could live in other cities in the U.S. so that he could escape the L.A. photo hounds?! N.Y. or Chicago would be excellent choices!
—klod0
Dear Twibabe:
The lucky lady is most likely one of Pattz's handlers. I'm taking it you're from New York or Chicago, no?
Dear Ted:
I have a feeling that Judas Jack-Off is Heroes star Milo Ventimiglia, who is having (or had, at any rate) a well-publicized romance with leading lady Hayden Panettiere. Could it be so?
—Villain-in-Training
Dear Hero Worship:
That is a fab guess, but sorry to say it's not Milo. Similar body types, though.
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