The Awful Truth

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Dear Ted:
You can read Angelina Jolie like a book, so tell me this. Why did she make such a big deal out of adopting a little Asian boy so Maddox would have "someone who looks like him" in the family, yet Zahara is the only dark-skinned child? Was it because she was refused when she wanted to adopt from India?
—Karen

Dear Angie's Keeper:
It's like a collection, darling, she's just accumulating different types of kids over time.

Dear Ted:
I always look forward to your column—I think your answers are sassy and funny—love it! I know everyone in the world writes in about Rob Pattinson and I have a question, too. It seems in nearly every photo I see of him, there's a blond older lady with him (she was at the Oscars and also at the Tokyo airport photos, among others), and I think she is his publicist. Is he so insecure that he needs someone with him at all times? I think Rob is just adorable but it's my feeling he won't ever commit to a girl because of major trust issues, poor guy. What are your thoughts?
—Annie

Dear LonelyBoy:
He just hasn't met a babe who has kept his attention, yet. Or has he? And you'd need a minder, too, if you had his everybody-wants-me probs. 

Dear Ted:
You say David Duchovny is still being a bad boy. Does this mean there is a chance that Gillovny may finally make an appearance in 2009?
—More Than Friends

Dear Get On Gillovny:
Here's hoping. He's staying way out of the limelight right now, which always means something's up.  

Dear Ted:
Do you think that ABC hired this Bachelor girl reject to avoid a future lawsuit for humiliating her? Just wondering, 'cause she really is not a star, never has been. At least the other people on are at least B or C stars.
—DJD

Dear Get It While It's Hot:
At the time of the last-minute casting, Melissa was all anyone could talk about. Kinda genius on both their parts because ABC makes nice while Mel shows Jason (and 17 million people) what he missed. 

Dear Ted:
Is it just me or has Justin Timberlake started to look a little like Woody Allen? Referring to the recent pic of J.T. and career-less Jessica Biel in Us this week. Is it the dorky glasses, the geeky clothes, the chin, the nose or just me?
—RainsMom

Dear Look Around:
I think the GQ cover trumps all 'cause he looks effing hot in that issue. As for his other half, they are just so yawn-worthy together I can hardly fake interest in their relaysh. 

Dear Ted:
Is this true? Natalie Portman and Rodrigo Santoro? He declared to a Brazilian magazine they're "sort of seeing each other."
—Hpiraja

Dear Gets Around:
I think she's "sort of seeing" a lot of guys. Ryan G....Rob...But only in classy ways, of course. Nat is just too precious.

Dear Ted:
Is there any chance that Toothy Tile just likes sex and does not have a preference for men over women?
—Ed, London

Dear Try It All:
That's probably what he's trying to convince himself of right now. But no. 

Dear Ted:
I know there are plenty of fake relationships in Hollywood. I know you and your wonderful husband are the real deal, but can you please tell me that at least one lovable couple out there is together because they want to be and not for PR? Kevin and Kyra? Courteney and David? Nicole and Keith seem like a long shot...
—Lttl Brat

Dear Hopeless Romantic:
Def not the last couple you mentioned. And def the first. Middle one? Sometimes.

Dear Ted:
I just don't see why some in the media (Perez) are hell-bent on outing some celebs (calling Mr. Bass), and yet there is no mention of my favorite boy lover, Toothy! Are you the only one who knows of his non-hetero ways, or are Perez and the like just comfortable with outing D-list celebs? Help me understand how that gossip mind works.
—Ana

Dear Method to Madness:
Money makes the world go round, sweets.

Dear Ted:
Brain-Fry Noodlestein—please say it isn't Colin Farrell. It's been said he has been down since his recent breakup. He has come so far and his G.G. acceptance speech was so sweet.
—LyneB 

Dear Bad-Boy Lover:
Relax, Farrell ain't our Fry. Pretty close, though. 

Dear Ted:
Is it just me or do all the pictures of Chris Brown since the incident make him look like a total goof? Not that I'm defending him or caring, but it seems like in all of the photos of him lately he looks retarded. Do all the good shots get passed over when you've proven how much of an ass you are in H'wood?
—Jiji

Dear Tinseltown Jilted:
Something like that.

Dear Ted:
Call me crazy, but I am lusting after Alec Baldwin. He is hot for an old guy. What's he like for real, Ted? I think he has potential to be a bit narcissistic and nasty. Tell me it isn't so!
—Shane

Dear Crazy:
Maybe back in the old Baldwin days, but now....maybe fun but only with a blindfold! 

Dear Ted:
I'm a newer reader so please forgive me if this has been asked and answered. I'm curious why there is so much pressure in Hollywood for gay men to keep to the closet. Does that influence come from management, from marketing, from fear of conservatives?
—Just wondering

Dear Down 'n' Out:
It's an inside job, babe. Folks like Ellen just don't feel the self-hating shame. Most, however, do, I'm very sorry to report.

Dear Ted:
Just recently discovered your blog, and as a busy Washington, D.C. attorney, I must say, it is greatly diverting! Question: Am I the only person who finds that scary white visage and "look at me, I'm a movie star princess and ex-GF to a con" Anne Hathaway one great big pain in the arse? I think someone—you—needs to pull that plug on that prissiness!
—Arrabbiato

Dear Dethroning Anne:
I don't know, I kind of like the gal. She's superfun without being Lohan-like, and she's talented. Like L.L. used to be.

Dear Ted:
Screw all these boring celebrities! What I really want to know is, besides awesome sex, what is the most fun thing you've done with your new husband since being married? And also, welcome, Charlotte! Love her!
—Lynn, Connecticut

Dear Screw Mormons, Too:
Truthfully? Getting married. Never thought a slut like me would see the day.