ABC/ADAM LARKEY

The ninth season of Dancing With the Stars is almost over, and there had been no perfect 30s heading into tonight's show, with likely candidate Mya running week after week into Len Goodman's puritanical naysaying.

With a spot in next week's semifinals on the line, the remaining five contestants were tasked with two complete solo routines apiece—one ballroom number and one decade-specific(?) Latin dance. 

And though they know full well that a top-notch critique from the judges doesn't necessarily equal clout with the voters at home, each still came in hoping to knock Bruno Tonioli's silk socks off.

Mya kicked off the ballroom round...

Mya & Dmitry: No gimmicks there. That was just a full-on quickstep, with mile-a-minute footwork, great energy and oodles of traditional ballroom elegance. Are you happy now, Len? "We got off to a sticky start week one with the Viennese waltz, and it went from bad to worse," began the set-in-his-ways Brit. "And again, tonight, there is a disappointment for me…because I couldn't find anything to criticize." Way to draw it out, sir. And just when we thought Mya's moment was coming...Carrie Ann only gave them a 9.
Score: 29

• Mya and Dmitry were both pretty in pink as they danced a '70s-style samba—which basically meant that they moved at hustle speed and Dmitry wore a mustache. Len didn't see any gimmicks, however. Instead, he said Mya had produced two dances "of the highest standard." He even called her hips "hypnotic." Bruno Tonioli called it a "mean, mean samba," and Carrie Ann said, "Everything was perfect. It was beyond belief." So does that mean...?
Score: 30!

Aaron Carter & Karina Smirnoff: Karina was the latest to be stricken with the DWTS flu this week, but with the help of surgical masks and some over-the-counter magic, she and Aaron turned in a top-5-worthy fox-trot. Whether it was enough to get him into the semifinals, what with all those fickle fans out there who didn't seem to care last week that his jive rocked, we don't know. But even if he gets kicked off tomorrow, Papa Len is mighty proud. "Watching you is like watching my son in a toy shop," Aaron's new father figure told him. "So many emotions—excitement, joy, bewilderment. I am proud of you whatever happens because I think you worked so hard, you tried your utmost, and I think, for a young man, you danced very, very well."
Score: 23

ABC/ADAM LARKEY

• Well, the Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" certainly took us back to the '90s. Not so much the samba, but who cares? It was still a great dance, and we actually liked the little boyband strut-point-and-freeze that capped off the routine. "All that energy finally has made good!" exclaimed Bruno. And you know that Len's paternal side was weeping with joy.
Score: 27

ABC/ADAM LARKEY

Joanna Krupa & Derek Hough: Awesome choreography, but the execution was off—there was more running than dancing in this quickstep, making Joanna look more mare than model. Sure enough…"It looked like you were running away from the scene of a crime," observed Bruno. "Downstairs, there were a few issues," he added, referring to her foot and legwork. "This is not the standard for the quarterfinal—it's not," Len declared, prompting a chorus of boos.
Score: 23

• Derek apparently borrowed Kanye's touring jacket for their futuristic paso doble, which was very Blade Runner and Matrix meets Don Quixote. Bruno instantly caught on to the Replicant theme, and both he and Len declared Derek a genius for seamlessly mixing sci-fi with Spanish dance. Carrie Ann and her cold, cold heart saw a lift, however, precluding perfection.
Score: 29

Kelly Osbourne & Louis van Amstel: You can see the sweet look of surprise that crosses Kelly's face every time she pulls off a trick. And even in a sassy fox-trot like the one tonight, she maintained the little-girl quality that you can't help but root for. "I'd forgotten how much grace and elegance you bring to the dance floor," Len said approvingly. "You have a secret weapon," added Carrie Ann. "The moment you have a breakthrough, the audience goes crazy for you."
Score: 25

ABC/ADAM LARKEY

• When Kelly first came out for their '60s jive, she looked a bit peaked. Then there was the whole rag doll thing and an unnecessary fluorescent-green wig. But she most certainly did keep up with Louis once he got her into hold and she looked adorable doing the swim, twist and other swinging moves packed into their routine. "Definitely one of your best performances," Carrie Ann said. "You have been an absolute revelation to me," gushed Len. "You've come in week after week, stronger and stronger."
Score: 26

Donny Osmond & Kym Johnson: It wasn't quite as light and flowy as it could have been, but Donny performed the heck out of that Viennese waltz. He is so the one to watch every week. Len found it a bit "arty-farty," but Donny seemed to prefer that to "airy-fairy." "What's wrong with a little farty?" Bruno asked Len. Carrie Ann, however, found the performance "mesmerizing."
Score: 26

ABC/ADAM LARKEY

• This 80s paso doble, meanwhile, was Michael Jackson meets Rocky Horror Picture Show meets The Wedding Singer. "I thought it was hysterical," albeit odd, Carrie Ann said. "That was the most crazy, bizarre, scary paso doble I have ever seen—but I liked it!" Len added. "That had more camp in it than a drag queen convention!" exclaimed Bruno. 'Nuf said.

Here's how tonight's leaderboard stacked up, combining both scores:

Mya & Dmitry: 59
Joanna & Derek: 52
Kelly & Louis: 51
Aaron & Karina: 50
Donny & Kym: 50

Michael Bublé and Susan Boyle will be along for the ride tomorrow night.

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Derek's going to Kanye's glow-in-the-dark tailor, Kelly's obviously taking wig tips from Lady Gaga...What other Fashion Police-worthy trends will the Dancing crew take up before season's end?