The Awful Truth

Dear Ted:
Doesn't the whole Britney Spears conservatorship thing remind you of Tony Polar from Valley of the Dolls where his sister has a legal power over him and hides his medical illness from the public but still has him perform? Just reading about her makes me want to pop a doll or read that book again.
—Lana

Dear Valley of Woes:
Tell me about it. Where's Jacqueline Susann to write up all this nonsense, anyway? Dead, I know. I think Quentin Tarantino should just a make a movie out of it all, don't you?

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the reminder about Prop 8. Your comparison of the biases against gays being the same as racial and gender prejudice was enlightening. I never thought about it that way, and it only strengthened my resolve. You rock!
—JustMe

Dear Connecting the Dots:
Glad you see it that way, hon, we need as much support as we can get. Now vote Nov. 4!

Dear Ted:
You talk a lot about all the fake relationships in H'wood. Can you give a good example of a real, happy Hollywood couple that we can use as a touchstone for other fakery? Thanks for your daily dose of smashing sass.
—Ellen, Ohio

Dear Happily Ever After:
No. How does that answer work for you?

Dear Ted:
Quick question for you and Desk DeeCee: No one has really mentioned this, but have you noticed how skinny, I mean Hollywood-starlet skinny, Cindy McCain has become?
—Robin

Dear Boner Watch:
Sorry, but this is getting so tiresome. I mean, you don't hear people pick on John McCain 'cause of his saggy chin, right?

Dear Ted:
Please tell me why America will not let go of Jen and Brad. Then please tell me why Jen is even popular. She is about the most boring thing I have ever seen with no acting ability at all. Seriously.
—Kroszelle

Dear Over It:
Only if you tell me why no one can see past Angelina's halo?

Dear Ted:
I guessed Toothy Tile as Matthew McConaughey, but I am now seriously thinking it's David Duchovny. Makes sense...Maybe all the sex rehab wasn't as simple as we thought.
—Jen, N.Y.

Dear SAA:
Please, D.D. is so not on my team, thank heaven.

Dear Ted:
It seems people can't stop talking about how frustrated they are with Reese and Jake's "romance." I get it, but I am more irritated by the can-do-no-wrong Angelina Jolie getting away with acting like she is saving the world from unjust poverty, all while maintaining a life of excessive luxury. Has anyone noticed that this screams hypocrisy?
—Slk

Dear Hypies:
Yep, you're preaching to the catty choir here on both counts, sweetie.

Dear Ted:
Please, pretty please, with loads of nonfattening goodness put out a book of all the Blind Vices and put in who they are if you've revealed them. Thanks for bringing a laugh and taking our minds off the real world.
—Ardleigh Street

Dear Pen It Out:
Sounds too fab, shall we call it The Talented Mr. Tile?

Dear Ted:
So what is the truth about Will Smith and Jada?
—Ohmann

Dear Nooky:
Haven't you heard? They have "lots of sex."

Dear Ted:
No questions, just love, hon. You're the last honest gossip blogger left in this fakeass town. Unlike other hypocrites (who seem to be on the Madonna/Brangelina/Beckham payrolls), you have not sold out—keep the truth (dirt) a coming!
—Raydiate, West Hollywood

Dear Fakery Faux Pas:
Thanks, but can't you tell I'm on Tom Cruise's money list?

Dear Ted:
Do you think Elisabeth Hasselbeck is really loved behind the scenes at the View by her coworkers? Real or fake? What is the real deal?
—Raemoorelane

Dear Scene-Stealer:
She's loved by Barbara 'cause she's the only bitch that brings in the ratings.

Dear Ted:
I totally believe you about the impending end of Brangelina. It's just so sad though, because at this point there are so many children involved.
—Allie

Dear Happy Home:
Millions of kids do it across the world and turn out just fine. Better than a fake parentship.

Dear Ted:
What extreme prettiness is smooching around in your Truth, Lies & Ted videos? Margo is her name? She's extra lovely, you lucky thing.
—K, Switzerland

Dear Swiss Watch:
Mucho thanks. But Margo prefers Ms. Casablanca, if you don't mind.

—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder