The Awful Truth

Storm warning: Lindsay Lohan's blowing back into town. Guess what paparazzi-infested place she's dying to hit once she's here? Plus, Bill Clinton talks about his political plans if Hil gets elected, while John Mayer steps out with his new arm candy!
Batten down, Robertson Boulevard....she's baaack! Yep, Lindsay Lohan is officialy a free woman, and she's heading Hollywood's way to reclaim the title of paparazzi princess.  Just before she busted out of Utah's Cirque Lodge Treatment Center on Friday and while gallivanting with daddy screwup Michael (don’t ask me why, but I get a tinge of relief whenever L2’s with a fam member other than Dina, no matter who it is), LiLo had been calling her Hell-Ay buds. Good news: She was laughing. Bad news: It was at us.

“She thinks it’s so funny that everybody’s worried about her,” revealed a Lohan bud to Desk Awful. “She says, ‘Oh, what a pitiful girl, they must all be saying,’ and then she breaks into hysterics,” added the somewhat nonplussed amiga, who included the following little verbal baby I simply adore ‘cause it’s just so very real-life Mean Girls:

“And she doesn’t like Britney taking away all the attention, either.”

Now that’s the reason Lindsay Lohan is a star. Because she is pitiful and because she thrives on it. Too fab! Oh, forget those acting chops she never seems overly interested in utilizing these days. The bitch is a real-life Neely O’Hara, I’m tellin’ ya! (And if you don’t know who that is, you’re reading the wrong column.)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Here’s the best: Ms. L, natch, was already making back-to-Hell-Ay plans with her slobbering, derriere-licking entourage. Guess which paparazzi stop is first on the list? The Ivy, of course.

“She just craves it,” blurted the L.L. bud, regarding publicity (and other substances, one assumes). Yeah, real shocker there.

Lindsay and Britney really should start a couture line of rehab wear, perfumes and easy-to-apply cosmetics. It’ll be their professions for some time, clearly. Hillary Clinton’s old man, Bill, a bit more dapper than he’s been in scandalous years past (nothin’ like the wifey runnin’ for your old gig to help the pounds suddenly disappear), was simply talkin’ up a storm over in Liz’s territory. And no, I don’t mean Taylor. I mean the other queen. As in England. The former prez attended a fundraiser for his campaigning wife-unit at a private home in Windsor, and he took questions from the packed house for quite some time. Love! Billy-boy said he had “no interest” in bashing other Dems and that he respects John McCain, even though he’d never vote for the elephant man, quelle surprise. Hil’s hubby also insisted he’s not angling for any cabinet positions (should Hil get elected) and that he wants to help with humanitarian efforts, like Darfur and global health. One random party guest at the British bash? Princess Beatrice, Andy and Fergie’s girl, ya know. Jeez. Is this the best Princess Di’s old clan can come up with? Not even that wimpy Prince Edward? Anyway, the point is, if you believe Billy-boy’s keeping out of Hillary’s regime, should she win, you also probably think Monica Lewinsky can make a comeback. John Mayer, jumping onstage during the Dave Matthews Band show Tuesday night at the Hollywood Bowl. “I would be nothing without Dave Matthews,” John proclaimed, before doing two songs with the band. John was in a tee and jeans and made his signature O-face as he played, which is fairly identical to the one he puts on when having very messy sex with his babes—the whole reason we’re running this baby. Oh, and before his fairly fun performance, John was spotted dancing and getting cozy with new lady love Minka Kelly in their terrace box. Seen sans girlfriends, for once, were... Joel Madden and Benji Madden, havin’ a late lunch with their Good Charlotte boys at Johnny Rockets on Melrose. Joel was in jeans, a black tee and his signature fedora, natch. Bandmate Billy Martin was the only lad who washed his hands before grubbing, in case you care, and I’m sure a few of you anal-retentive types out there do. Although B.M. gets points for good hygiene, he also wore sunglasses inside and kept leaving the table to go talk on his phone. So cliché! Getting his ear bent elsewhere was... Warren Beatty, strolling through the Paramount lot with Steve Bing Tuesday night. Megamillionaire Bing, clad in khakis and a T-shirt, was “chewing Warren’s ear off," just as Warren-love himself does with others. W.B. was in a jacket and “looking very gray.” Wonder if it’s due to the situation with their son, ya know, the reason Annette Bening reportedly ditched doing The Female of the Species? Another gal having a minicrisis, of sorts, included... Margot Kidder, in Bozeman, Montana, at the children’s store LillyLu, wearing the “most pitiful” shoes, we’re told. Cowgirl life not suitin’ ya, babycakes? Far more fluid in their domestication were... Tobey Maguire and new wife-unit Jennifer Meyer, at the Bev Hills premiere of Ang Lee’s new flicker Lust, Caution. Motion Picture Academy. T.M. was constantly twisting his wedding ring around his finger (guess he hasn't gotten used to it yet), and the Spidey stud was basically following J.M. around all night like a puppy—some thought it was cute; we wanna barf. Canine cocky, too, was... Mischa Barton, havin’ problems controlling her pup on a flight from JFK to LAX. Mischa sat business class and had her dog Ziggy along for the ride in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier. When Misch got up to use the bathroom midflight, Zig-hon followed mama to the loo. A flight attendant promptly asked Barton to take her pet back to the seat before she went potty. M.B. was wearing a gray, loose sweater over skinny jeans “that made her hips and butt look big,” according to our über-observant flier (whose own ass is conveniently slim) and “looked plain.” Besides her tiny pet, seat sources say the O.C. chica was traveling with an “older lady, about 45 or so.” Could it have been her emailing mama, Nuala, who loves to burn up our Awful inbox? Hope so!