He may not be a vampire of the New Moon variety, but don't worry, ladies, Joel McHale can still wax his chest with the best of 'em.

And when he wasn't engaged in intimate grooming this week, your Soup host discovered a complete idiot on The Amazing Race (imagine that!), and found Ray J, shocked and confused upon learning that Lucious—one of the ladies vying for his love—actually slept with someone before she met him!

And she looked so pure.

Find out even more shocking facts on your scalding new Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

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The Soup isn't the only scorchin' thing around here! Check out these shots of all the New Moon madness!

What middle-aged woman wouldn't want to strip down on national TV and shove her head into a vat of cream? For $150?

Having used up virtually every ploy in the chat-show racket on her Stockholm Syndrome–suffering audience, Tyra finally subjects the fans to good old base humiliation.

And when it comes to base humiliation—and somehow it always does—the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are right there to kick things into high gear. Remember them? They had a poster that was a big hit with adolescent boys about 20 years ago. Now they're a reality show. Go figure.

And figure on lots more laughs and fun with your pal Joel McHale on a fresh Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

When the going gets small, the Soup gets condensed.

And when the collective posteriors of some of the biggest talents in chat TV get seated, they get a big new couch. At least that's the situation on The View.

If for some unimaginable reason an attractive, comfy sectional doesn't blow your skirt up, intrepid young Joel McHale also brings you a mother who enjoys shaving the thighs of her muscular, Speedo-clad son.

Don't worry, there's more where this came from on a frothy new Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

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Can't wait till then? There's a fully stocked larder of tasty morsels awaiting you in our Soup blog video gallery. Dig in!

Though flames may be licking at the propane tank that powers the E! transmitter on the roof of the liquor store, brave Joel McHale has suited up to rescue your tiny dose of Soup.

This week the boys on Tool Academy are in for a nasty shock—mainly that they're on Tool Academy. Thank God Lorenzo Lamas' career is back on the map with Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and Andrew Zimmern unveils his new show, where he gets in a man's pants.

All this and more comes your way tonight in a spanking new Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

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It's very small, tidy and reeks of Paco Rabanne. No, it's not Ryan Seacrest, it's your very own Condensed Soup. Here goes...

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Once again, thin handsome yuckmeister Joel McHale brings you the small but oddly filling Condensed Soup you've waited seven days to see.

Speaking of filling, with the debut of More to Love, there's definitely more to watch in the freakish side show that is reality programming. Here, women lacking love but not body mass compete for the heart of Luke (contained somewhere in his 300-plus pound frame). And let it be said that the big man is not without a big appetite for the ladies.

Someone else with an appetitie—for self-destruction—is Hell's Kitchen hopeful Joseph, who bites off the head of head devil Gordon Ramsay in an ear-searing swear-fest. Oh, and Wendy Williams manages to come off even denser than usual. Though, as always, nice wig.

Don't forget to tune in tonight for even more Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

Membership in the exclusive Internet community has its privileges. No, we're not just talking about porn and eBay, your enviable access allows you this pre-serving of tonight's fresh Soup. 

Who likes road trips? America, that's who, as the Great American Road Trip so clearly proves. And who better to represent America than an RV-gunning family from the Bronx that yells at each other while on a mission to see American comedy legend Yakov Smirnoff?

Speaking of yelling, be-wigged big mouth Wendy Williams gets shut down by a Tweeterer, and uptight anchor Barbara Walters drops her weight on Brüno. Apparently she doesn't like pubic hair, wagging penises or anal intercourse.

At least not in a movie theater.

If you can pry yourself away from your laptop delights, dig into a hefty batch of Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

The big question here is, how will I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! sustain its evangelical fervor without Heidi and Spencer waxing holy every time one of them has some kind of disgraceful bodily emission? 

Actually, there's another big question: which bachelor trying to win The Bachelorette's heart has already pledged himself to another? And why are some of these boys prettier than Jillian?

Let Mr. McHale attempt to answer these profound queries while bringing you the wondrous gift of laughter on a brand new Soup Friday at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

Now that the tension bubble of American Idol has burst, we can start paying attention to the shows that matter.  And really, would you rather hear Kris Allen sing or listen to some guy named Tanner describe his unrelenting foot lust on The Bachelorette? And Adam Lambert's pipes have nothing on the gaggle of abuse-spewing skanks on Charm School, plus you have Joel McHale guiding you through it all instead of that fastidious Mr. Seacrest. Don't miss your full-sized Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

In a bizarre move, every line of dialog on One Tree Hill now includes the name "Nick Lachey," while a trip to the Jersey Shore Unleashed proves that leash-free Jerseyites in a bar near the ocean are even less interesting than Springsteen made them sound. Also, that leash laws should apply to humans...at least the ones in New Jersey bars.

Plus, a look at the grooming habits of men vying for the televised love of Daisy De La Hoya. If that doesn't work out for them, they can always rent themselves out to cosmetic companies now that animal testing is frowned upon.

Catch your batch of fresh Soup Friday night at 10 p.m. ET/PT. 

Once again, great big Joel McHale takes you on a small yet magical tour of tonight's Soup, and the first stop on the fun train is in Britney Spears land, where the latest version of her stage show includes a stalker. Who is currently being promoted by Access Hollywood.

Then Tyra offers up the secret to her endearing humility, and we hook up with Donald Trump for a gripping discussion on the merits of pouched tuna. As in, tuna in pouches.  

Look for even more hot action this evening on a new Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT. 

Lanky laugh meister Joel McHale likes to tease, and this week he's whipping out some tantilizing tidbits indeed.

On The Hills, Heidi is shocked by old friends who, unlike her, are still normal humans, then Entertainment Tonight breaks the engrossing story of Tom Cruise running after his daughter. (Does he still actually run? Can't he teleport himself using advanced Scientology techniques?) And finally, Isaac Mizrahi gushes about butter.

There's all this and more on a new Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.