The Awful Truth

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President Obama's expected to sign a hate-crime bill for gays, which might come off as progressive to you, but all I can see is a hypocrite in action. He'll protect gays from being bashed, but he still won't let us marry each other? (Not that I'd be interested in that institution ever again, but you get the idea.)

That's like saying the peasant second-class citizens must never be hit by their masters who get better everything. We don't wanna be treated like victims who need to be protected—we wanna be treated like everyone else. It's the same story time and again.

'Course, Obama's not really thinking of all the unlucky gay Americans today when he's got his new Nobel Peace Prize to smile about. He's only the third American prez in history to get a Nobel Peace Prize while still in office, and the last former White House regular to get it was Al Gore in 2007, after working on behalf of spreading education and fixing global warming for years and years and years.

Obama's claim to fame, that is, besides being the first black man elected president? Let's be honest—he hasn't really done a great deal yet, though he sure likes talking about what he's gonna do. We can't friggin' wait till he does it, already. How long do you plan to make us wait, Mr. President?

NBC

"He went on Stephen's jet."

—Close confidant to super-rich, womanizing Hollywood entrepreneur Stephen Bing, on whose borrowed jet Bill Clinton flew to North Korea to help save journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee.

Bill O'Reilly, you online? Isn't this the kind of liberal skank-association (both Clinton and Bing have treated women horrifically, at times) you love to tar an otherwise splendid occasion with? Damn, don't tell me I just did!? Crap.

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com, Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Another day, another memoir, right? After George W. Bush left office, that seems to be the theme of the ex-employees of his administration. The newest juicy tell-all, Speech-Less: Tales of a White House Survivor comes from former speechwriter Matt Latimer and recounts all the dirty-dirty of the hilarious (we're told) chaos surrounding Bush's time in office.

And guess who's getting a mention in the book? Yours truly!

It comes on very good authority that your very own Teddy C is totally name-dropped at some point in the manuscript. Of course, it's got to be something tacky. Could it be my mention of Laura moving out of the White House? Or all my blabbing about Dubya's drinking habits? Or what an idiot I am to continue to give this elected Bozo more press in the first place? Who knows what this ex-Bushie has to say about the Awful Truth?

Well, we're not too sure where we fall in the pages, but here's something juicy from the memoir that we can share with all of you lovely readers…

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Kevin Winter/Getty Images for PCA, MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images

If friggin' Iowa (no offense, babes, but California 's got way more fruits and nuts) can become the third state to pass legalized gay marriage, I really do think it's time to take this to the presidential level. At least for a nice cheerleading encouragement to his statewide supporters.

For the record, President Obama has pretty much stated—like a good Hollywood exec—he wants it both ways regarding gay marriage: "I believe marriage is between a man and a woman," Obama recently told MTV. "I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that's not what America's about."

Translation: California's Mormon-fueled passage of Prop 8 ain't Barack's style; Iowa 's high-court ruling legalizing gay marriage is. So just come out and say it and officially support gay unions already, prez! Ellen and Portia and a whole lotta other folks who helped funnel you into office would appreciate it.

Ron Sachs-Pool/Getty Images

Now that ABC's Charles Gibson has started, with his interview this morning, what will ostensibly be a far more give-and-take relationship between the media and the Oval Office, I have a few queries for the prez, too. Of course, no one but me will ever ask these questions, but I'm used to that loneliness, for sure. So let's have at it, Barack! Here lie 10 queries you should be asked:

1. What did you really think of Michelle's Inaugural, Big Bird-style ball gown?
2. Why do you consort with bloated anti-gay zealots?
3. Do you write on your B.B. while sitting on the can like most of us do?
4. Speaking of cans, would you ever take a cabinet meeting into the john, like LBJ used to do?
5. Just how effed are we in this economy?
6. How much did you pay the Jonas Brothers to show up during a White House scavenger hunt?
7. What's the real reason you didn't pick Hillary for V.P.?
8. When will you support gay marriage?
9. What words of personal support can you give those who don't have jobs and homes right now?
10. How long do you give Brad and Angie?

Logan Mock-Bunting/Getty Images

Once a Bronx bitch, always a Bronx bitch. Only difference for Jennifer Lopez is that she's higher up on the status ladder (don't know why, it's not like she's worked in eons) than ever before, and she wants people to know it, too.

You longtime readers may remember way back during the filming of Enough when we told you how she snit-slapped her makeup artist's hand for putting on too much lip gloss. "Enough!" Jenny from the block from hell reportedly (and ironically) cried, according to an eyewitness, when she felt too much gloss had been applied to her precious diva lips. Well, she's at it again:

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Pedro Andrade,PacificCoastNews.com

Now that the SAG Awards are over, I'd like to say two more things about all the Obama hoopla last week.

First, I'm pissed at myself—for not completely congratulating our new Mr. President on his historic achievement. It's stunning and absolutely right on that he's taken office. And it was hideous that Prop 8 happened at the same time and diffused the fab occurrence that is Obama's presidency.

Who cares that Michelle needs better dressing tips? Barack's gonna change the country, woo-hoo!

Oh, and here's my other bitch 'bout last week: Jennifer Garner.

Very connected friend of mine, who had earlier been hobnobbing with the prez and vice prez, ran into Ms. G at one of the balls (got some more post-Inaugural juice later today), and here's her quote: "She makes Sarah Palin at her snarkiest seem like Glenda the Good Witch. I swear, people with dimples think that the world should bow down or something."

OK, all you Garner fans, I'm just the conveyor of gossipy info here, but obviously, others have had the same chilly Jen reaction I've encountered—all I'm sayin'.

Along with my D.C. insider's parting words on Jen's handsome hubby, Ben Affleck: "I passed by Ben twice, once on Monday night outside of the Green Ball and once on Tuesday at the Neighborhood Ball, and both times he was mobbed by young ladies. And he didn't look the least bit uncomfortable."

Again, babes, I's only the messenger!

Max Whittaker/Getty Images, Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
How interesting you feel you can criticize Michelle Obama about her gold/yellow color. Have you looked at your own butt-ugly background color of your blog? She has class where your background just looks like you need to scream for attention. No stones when you live in your own yellow glass house, dude.
—Pearl 

Dear Not So Mellow Yellow:
I don't wear my blog around me in daylight, and yellow doesn't make my blog look fat, like it did Mich's waist.

Dear Ted:
You might be interested in this, as Sarah Palin is "fiddling" while the people of rural Alaska starve. In my opinion it is akin to Bush doing nothing while New Orleans was drowning. I love your site and know that you care about people and can get word out about injustices, and yes, Sarah is Alaska's business now and out of your hair, but this I believe should be reported. Sarah does not care about the people of Alaska, but only herself and her greater political gains.
—Alicia, Wasilla

Dear Passing Off Palin:
A sad and sorry reminder that Ms. P's still got some influence somewhere. Thanks.

Dear Ted:
Regarding Anne Hathaway in that dress: I totally agree! Some other gossip bloggers said she looked good. I'm like, on what planet does she look good in that black dress? Anyways, Ted, love your stuff and love your pets even more! Butch is so cute! I'm a cat person, so cats doing cute things, like hanging out in laundry baskets, melts my heart!
—Tammy 

Dear Pet-tastic:
Thanks, you must be the gal who uploads all those cat videos on YouTube. Or at least keeps 'em in business.

Dear Ted: 
What's really going on between Oprah and her bestie, Gayle King? They seem awfully devoted to each other. Oprah even took Gayle as her date to a very private Obama dinner. Is there more than just plain old friendship happening here?
—Curious Mind Wants to Know

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Ellen Degeneres Show

I should have Ellen DeGeneres' levity, really. That broad pretends to be all puppy dog tails and bad disco gyrations, when, in fact, she's anything but.

Clearly, she's not at all pleased about what went down with Prop 8 (she and her luscious new wife, Portia de Rossi, campaigned heartily against it), or, surely, how Obama chose gay-insulting Rick Warren to say a pansyass prayer at the new chief's Inauguration.

But does Ellen rail against the hopeful new establishment in Washington for it's anti-gay positions (Obama does not endorse gay marriage, period) like I do? No. Ellen goes after sacred cow Aretha Franklin's Inauguration Day hat instead. Deft move, really, on so many levels. E.D. shows the new regime's not at all immune to lampooning. But she declared so with a smile.

Perhaps I should try one on more? I do so have hopes for our new prez. Like telling his wife to dress better, for starters!

AP Photo/Morry Gash

Inauguration Day is only a couple of days away, babes, and we've got butterflies wondering what President Obama's first step in the White House is gonna be. Legalize gay marriage? Wish I weren't joking there.

'Course, we're happy it's a step inside the White House to begin with, but we're expecting a whole lot, just like all those celebs who promoted him so insistently all of '08. Tuesday might be one helluva party all around the U.S., but Wednesday, he'd better get to work. And exhaustion ain't gonna be an excuse, Barack, we don't care how big a celebrity you've become.

DSM/Fame Pictures

Was John McCain right when he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton? It's starting to seem that way with B.O. seeming more like a professional party planner instead of the next leader of our country.

His Inauguration is playing host to practically every celeb next week with more bashes and balls than we can keep straight. Now, Barack's appearing on the cover of Parade mag, an outlet that typically features big celeb names for their cover stories like Daniel Craig or Reese Witherspoon.

Something just doesn't seem right. Why is Obama sitting down with Parade, writing an open letter to his daughters about his hopes for their future? First off, you ain't no Michael Lohan, or Jon Voight, B, it's not like you're estranged from your kids. Pick up the damn phone or say it at dinner.

The campaign's so over; we don't need to know about your fatherly love, we need you to get to work and fix this friggin' economy. What's next, a Lauren Conrad-type Us Weekly cover exclusive?

AP Photo/Morry Gash

I know you all think I'm making too much of this little vacation sitch with Joe Biden we bitched about last week, but yeah, whatever. He's only a potential future prez of the United States, that's all. Anyway, I pressed Biden's repper for an update on where soon-to-be veep and Obama currently stand on Prop 8.

She eventually got back to me: "Senator Biden is on the record, widely, in opposition to Prop 8. He was specifically asked about it on Ellen and said he'd vote no."

So relieved to be reminded of that little declaration! Now, what about Obama, I asked? Nothing back, as yet. Think there ever will be?