Sony Pictures

Is Michael Jackson's This Is It only in theaters for two weeks to get fans into a frenzy or to have the DVD out on time for the holiday season?
—James L., via Facebook

You mean you didn't dissolve into a worshipful faint as soon as you typed the words "This Is It" into Facebook? Bad consumer! Bad! Get frenzying forthwith before the Jackson family finds you unworthy.

Despite the high quality of the documentary—I understand it is quite good—yes, there is an element of manipulation at work here, in the two-week-only release schedule.

Have you been made a victim? Decide for yourself...

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Pool Photographer/Getty Images; Jason Merritt/Getty Images; Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images; Mike Marsland/Getty Images; Paul Natkin/Getty Images; PBS

Just read about Capt. Lou Albano dying. This really is the year of death for celebs, isn't it?
—RK12, via the Answer B!tch inbox

Year? Well, it's only October. Give the Grim Reaper through mid-November at least, sheesh.

Besides, you aren't in sync with the lingo; Twitterers have declared this past season the Summer of Death, and, indeed, statistics do indicate that the hot months of 2009 were a serious hotbed of death and deathlike activity. Ricardo Montalban died in January, but there was no wave of celebrity deaths in that month—on Fantasy Island or anywhere else—and it's too soon to say whether Albano's death will usher in a tragedy trend for the fall. But between Michael Jackson, DJ AM, Patrick Swayze, Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, John Hughes and Billy Mays—not to mention Albano—there is indeed evidence that the summer proved slightly more hazardous for the famous ...

... take a look at the numbers and decide for yourself. There's a service called Celebrity Death Beeper, and, as the name suggests, it pings you when someone of note dies, in a noteworthy manner or not. And the Beeper people have said that, with about 31 deaths over this past summer—compared with roughly 29 in 2007 and 23 in 2008—this summer proved deadlier, albeit not horrifically so. (That isn't to say that the deaths of George Carlin in June 2008, or Merv Griffin in July of 2007, were any less notable or sad. They just weren't part of a catchy phenomenon like the Twitter Summer of Death.)

So why does it seem like there have been more deaths lately? Well, let's not forget one very serious factor: you're getting more news than ever before, including the deathy kind. Even as little as a few years ago, it was harder to find out exactly who was dead and of what. Sure, we had the 24-hour news cycle, but phenomena like Twitter have allowed a certain type of impatient person to learn about deaths they otherwise might have missed. And ever since Michael Jackson's death—come on, face it: More of you are actually focusing on stories of dying celebrities than you have in years past.

In other words, deaths have always happened (breaking news: you are dying right now) but were you always paying attention?

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So much talk of death. How about some lively counterprogramming with our Baby Bumpin' gallery!

I am so sick of Michael Jackson, already, let him rest in peace. Why are they giving his movie 15 premieres? Are people really going to see this?
—Darryl, via the Answer B!tch inbox

How dare you, sir? Only "legend," "king," "icon"—or a repeat of "legend"—can be used in discussing Michael Jackson and his incredibly special, totally humble family. A man has died.

According to my research, you share a mindset with thousands, probably millions, of other feckless, Godless people worldwide. But not enough feckless, Godless people worldwide.

Even now, nearly three months after Jackson's family trotted out his gold-cased corpse on live TV, some people still want to see the upcoming documentary This Is It.

How do I know? Well...

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Kitson

Why did Paris Jackson take all of her hair trimmings with her after visiting a salon?
—Peach12

Let's start with this: Celebrity hairstylists aren't at all surprised by your question. People who deal with celebrities aren't at all surprised by anything, actually.

Paris Jackson reportedly did bundle up her trimmed hair and take it with her after leaving the Amp beauty salon at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas. (Actually, according to reports, Paris' security goons instructed the salon to bag up the hair for transport.)

But she isn't the only celebrity to have done so...

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AP Photo/Jockel Finck, File

Is it true that a Mexican news crew saw Michael Jackson's ghost on the day of his Staples Center memorial service?
—Dalia, via the Answer B!tch inbox

Oh, don't stop there. You're forgetting the spooky apparition that apparently moonwalked through a wall at Neverland Ranch before appearing on tape in front of millions of bowing and scraping CNN viewers.

For those of you wondering, yes, M.J.'s ghost can indeed appear in two places at once, Our Lady-style. Has he come to your neighborhood? Maybe...

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Wally Skalij-Pool/Getty Images

Why haven't they buried Michael Jackson yet? Legally, isn't there a time limit on how long you have to bury someone?
—Ra Leigh, via Twitter

To put it indelicately, no: The Jackson family can keep the late singer in a fridge indefinitely if they want, according to several state and local agencies I interviewed. Oh, heck, I'll just say it: Michael Jackson is just chillin', and it's all good with the law.

Even so, there are certain lines that even the mighty Jackson royal family cannot cross...

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KAREN BLEIER/AFP/Getty Images, Telegraph UK/ ZUMA Press

Why won't Congress honor Michael Jackson with that resolution? He's the greatest of all time!
—MJGRT

Don't forget the national day of mourning and the postage stamp, right, Al Sharpton?

You've obviously wrapped your righteous outrage around this news: Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee wants a congressional resolution securing permanent praise of M.J.—and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has pronounced no need for one.

At first, a 1,500-word resolution highlighting, among other things, Jackson's provision of 200 turkey dinners to poor Los Angeles families, may seem a wee tad overweening. Especially given that for every M.J. fan there's a guy like Rep. Peter King, who has called the late star a "pervert."

Then again, Congress has honored other figures sporting their share of major flaws, and nobody is saying much about those anymore...

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Pool Photographer/Getty Images, Sgranitz/Getty Images

Do nondisclosure agreements signed by employees of celebs remain in effect after death?
—Mrs. Charlita, via Twitter

Well, at least one nondisclosure agreement—signed by author Ian Halperin before a meeting with Michael Jackson—seems to be null and void. Material from that meeting is reportedly in Halperin's new book about the singer. But, lawyers tell me, if you're wondering whether Jackson's jewel-encrusted glove still has a hold over anyone else, the answer is probably yes.

Unless a star's lawyer is having an off day, most employees and hangers-on can expect a permanent, lifelong muzzling as soon as they step into a star's bubble of fabulousness.

And Michael Jackson loved nondisclosure agreements. Loved them so much that...

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Would any other celebrity death cause as big a ruckus as this two-week public mourning of Michael Jackson?
—Outstanding

Interesting question to mull. At first you might think of a Bruce Springsteen or Madonna or whatnot. Or even a Barack Obama, who certainly is credited with, you know, making hope spring anew, and all this.

But then again, maybe not. Lots of people are record-ripping hitmakers or worldwide hope generators, but I doubt we'd see the same collective hair tearing over Mariah Carey or Nelson Mandela.

Why? Let's face it. One of the reasons people are dissolving into such sanctimonious hysterics over M.J.'s death is...

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Jed Jacobsohn/ Getty Images, Telegraph UK/ ZUMA Press

How much is the Michael Jackson memorial event going to cost people in taxes?
—Michaela, Sylmar

Most of the obedient serfs close to the memorial aren't saying how much it will cost citizens—and that includes public safety folks who, I could have sworn, work for us.

However, a city official tells me we're looking at this costing Los Angeles $2.5 million. And rising. For a city that is operating on a deep deficit.

Still, to dedicated fans, that cost may sound reasonable; as Al Sharpton is so keen on reminding us, we're dealing with an icon who apparently needs his own postage stamp and national holiday.

However, you may be chapped to learn exactly how much the Jackson family and promoter AEG will be benefiting from this outlay of public funds...

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Wasn't there a story years ago about M.J. wanting to freeze himself after death? Is there a possibility of that happening?
—T. Ellsworth, via Facebook

A family friend—a title that seems to apply to everyone—told the press in 2005 that Michael Jackson did explore cryogenic preservation during his child-molestation trial. Michael Luckman claimed that Jackson was so afraid of dying in prison he planned to have his body frozen so that it could be brought back at a later date.

A Jackson family attorney didn't comment at the time. As for whether that might happen now, the family hasn't indicated any penchant for freezing the pop icon.

This by far isn't the only outstanding question about Jackson. Here are some more, plus—hey, bonus!—some answers.

Some loser joked about M.J.'s nose falling off on stage when he was awake, is it true?
—305_milli_x0x0, via Twitter

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Getty Images; Pool Photographer/Getty Images

Weren't the Jackson family Jehovah's Witnesses? How will that effect the funeral?
—Bet

Other fans are asking me similar questions, but instead wondering whether Michael Jackson's funeral may be Muslim. See, in 2007, his brother Jermaine Jackson told the media that Michael had shown interest in the religion, and there was brief speculation that Jackson converted from Jehovah's Witness to Islam.

Now, we know this: (a) There will be no memorial service at Neverland, (b) there might be some kind of Jackson-related event on Tuesday at the Staples Center, (c) his body is waiting at Forest Lawn cemetery in Los Angeles, and (d) there are signs of a private family service on Sunday, possibly the funeral.

However, of the two religions mentioned above, if the funeral is religious at all, it will probably swing toward...

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