The Awful Truth

Axel/ZUMA Press; Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
I just saw this pic of Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson wrestling. Dare I say they just outed themselves, and perhaps they've been previous Blind Vices of yours?
—Audrey

Dear Man Crush:
Wilson and Woody are two dudes comfortable wrestling with other dudes. The much more obvious example of outing yourself are two male celebs staying as far away as possible from other men's bods.

Dear Ted:
John Mayer has been single for a while now, which I find strange since John is about as much of a serial dater (and heartbreaker) as it gets. I've heard that he may be hooking up with our favorite country good girl, Taylor Swift. How much truth is there to that?
—LunnaHarley

Dear None:
Taylor 's 19, and John's a d-bag. If they're collaborating on anything, it's music, not a relationship. The blond babe may be young, but she's smart enough not to fall for his tricks. But if John were dating a country crooner, how devastated do ya think failed country singer Jessica Simpson would be?

Dear Ted:
I'm sorry but I have to do this: Robert Pattinson is a dead ringer for a Belushi brother as seen through multi-Cosmo goggles. I cannot be the only person who sees the resemblance, and I dare say not even a bump in shower frequency would help matters much. Don't give a poop about Twiville, but just adore you to buttery slicks.
—T

Dear Fraternal Twins:
What's the alcohol content of those glasses? Don't see it one bit.

Dear Ted:
Will you tell us whether Shafterella Shoshstein and Toothy Tile have been in a film together?
—Jade

Dear Big Pic Buds:
I will. And yes!

Dear Ted:
Loved your bit on what you wished the Emmy nominees had said. A little smack talk is what the Emmys needs to breathe some life into an otherwise drawn-out yawnfest. Perhaps it's time the noms really "duked it out" for the overly pointy statue. My money's on Sally Field. I bet she has a mean uppercut.
—Nicole , Texas

Dear Emmy Fight:
And a sharp tongue, too! If brawns were the only thing you needed to win, I bet Kiefer Sutherland would have been nominated this year—and would have no qualms punching out anybody who had their eye on his trophy.

Dear Ted:
Don't forget us Toothy lovers. We still keep checking in. The bearding sure has taken the sexy out of Toothy. What the heck is up with the very sexy Grey Goose? Does love still reign?
—Tom , N.J.

Dear Grey Gardens:
Clandestinely, yes. But is that really love?

Dear Ted:
I'm sending you evidence of the Apocalypse.
—Mike

Dear Dubious:
Either that or the Rapture?

Dear Ted:
First off let me say I really enjoy reading you and admire your devotion! Hard to find that quality in many journalists. Charlie is adorable, props to you for your help with all animals. Do you feel that Robsten will actually hold out until Breaking Dawn is done filming? Either way, what's your feeling on B.D., do you think it could measure up?
—Gem

Dear Dawn's Early Light:
I think, much like Harry Potter, each sequel will keep getting better. And sexier, thank horny heavens.

Dear Ted:
Teddy Bearest, has George Eads been a Blind Vice?
—Tarquin

Dear Questionable Queer:
No.

Dear Ted:
Who's hotter? Robert Pattinson or Ryan Kwanten?
—imquaat

Dear Obvious Answer:
I talk about Robsten and True Blood a lot on this site—but which do I talk about more? Exactly.

Dear Ted:
So are you saying that there was something on between Rob and Nikki Reed, or was it just one shoulder thing? We know it's over now. It's confusing because we heard that Rob already had his eye on Kristen from the very beginning. (Remember during the Twilight casting—he flew all the way to U.S just to meet K.) So if there was something between R and N, it shows that R didn't always get his eye straight. And why is Summit trying so hard to cover up Robsten? Wouldn't Twi-hards be more joyful if their Edward and Bella were together in real life?
—bewildered

Dear Bella Aching:
Like I've said before, if Robsten ever makes it official in the public eye and then decides to split, Summit 's looking at some bad press for the sequels. And there are a lot of sequels in this franchise. And whatever was between Nikki and Rob, Nik's now got her mind on someone else!

Dear Ted:
My head is spinning with all the Nevis Divine chatter. I started back at the beginning and now have a Divine notebook full of facts! This is my best guess: Sebastian Stan. Did all my hard work pay off?
—curiousgman

Dear Hard Work, No Payoff:
Don't quit your day job. Think much higher profile, babe.

Dear Ted:
What was embarrassing about Sarah Palin? You extreme-left liberals should be embarrassed by Joe Biden and Obama for sure..."Change we can believe in." Like a bankrupt United States and socialism!
—dbogaev

Dear Please:
The country was bankrupt before Obama got in office. And what's embarrassing about Palin? How about her resignation speech, copyedited for mistakes, for starters?

Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Divine Olivier Martinez?
—ladylch

Dear Divine Guess:
But Nevis is less dripping with sweat than Olivier.

Dear Ted:
Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? (and I'm talking about the characters, not the actors) BTW, I'm Team Edward no matter what, and I'm guessing you are too, but I just wanted to check.
—Team E.

Dear Superclever:
You'd be right, sweetheart.