the hills (278 posts)

Another week has passed, and once again, the grand old gal that is show business has coughed up a fantastic mess of Soup. Grab a spoon and take a seat.

• Cross-dresser Joe Jonas gives the fans what they want. And the fans are apparently a bunch of pervs with an odd sense of humor.

• From sexy Costa Rica, Spencer and his ego phone home to tell NBC the best slot for I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here is up Ben Silverman's butt. 

• Miley won an MTV movie award. Is the Lord really responsible?

• Stephen Baldwin is going to ruin heaven by getting Spencer in.

• Abraham Lincoln likes to polka. Look, not everything can be about The Hills.

The plot intricacies and dense character development on The Hills is a lot for the average viewer to ingest. Thankfully, The Hills After Show is there to translate.

And if you're still having trouble, The Soup has an answer. Alcohol. And more Hills. And more alcohol…you get the idea.

Get this and other stuff tonight on a new Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT, and wear some pants this time. Yeah, you.

Not all of us were lucky enough to score an invitation to the freak show, that was Speidi's wedding, but thanks to reality TV, we could all pretend we were there, along with God and a production crew. 

Speaking of pretend, check out Heidi's monstrous, gaping maw. Or, is it pretend ... ?

There's plenty more where this came from on The Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.  

On The Hills Presents: Speidi's Wedding Unveiled, fans got to relive the touching maturation of the Pratt/Montag union. Which ranged from "intense" to "really intense."

The latter occurred when the possibility of a pregnant Heidi reared its ugly head. But wait—if the alleged kid wasn't his, Spencer concludes it could only have been...the next Son of God? Jesus Christ!

Our collective Hills-loving heart was shattered when sweet, wide-eyed Stephanie Pratt was fired from her fake TV job on her real job of being on a fake reality show, but luckily Steph managed to land on her expensively clad feet.

Now that she doesn't have to like, work, the gal has plenty of time to kill. Which allowed her to make her way through all those high-class, Hillsy shops and bars and H-wood attractions, all the way down to the rusty quonset hut behind the liquor store across from the tar pits where The Soup is taped.

And hilarity did ensue. Totally.

Check it all out tonight when Joel works his magic at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

Car accident attorneys watching The Hills last night were no doubt thrilled as Stephanie Pratt revealed to a stunned Lauren Conrad her unique seatbelt habits.

At least Steph has her priorities straight; even if she winds up with a face full of windshield, it'll still be, like, tan.

We all knew The Hills was a joke; finally the least-real reality show ever has the laugh track it so richly deserves. 

And don't miss the show with the human laugh track, your beloved Soup, tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT. 

There's a bar, plenty of Jägermeister and barely simmering bitchery…yes, The Hills has all the ingredients of a really superb cat war between Heidi's half-wit blondes and Stacie the bartender's raven-haired skanks. All that's missing is the mud. 

Don't forget to stop watching that DVD of Marley & Me tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT to tune in to The Soup.

Newly married Spencer Pratt is no stranger to any number of sins—starting with bad facial hair—but who knew he was such a theologian? Hell-bent Spence takes on not only a pure, sweet Christian couple, but the Bible itself, in search of a passage that forbids premarital sex. Or "fornification," which they finally locate, hidden in the bowels of Hebrews. Still, defiant pagan Pratt isn't buying it. See ya in hell, buddy!

Stephanie Pratt brings her adorbale brand of dumb to the workplace, where such tasks as answering the phone and—yikes!—transferring calls prove a daunting challenge. Using the computer proves to be particularly problematic, and somewhat suprisingly, she's not even good at lying about work she hasn't done. Beleaguered Steph isn't a complete failure, however—her doodling skills are top-notch. 

Bona fide white boys Spencer and Charlie may be Hills dwellers, but that doesn't stop them from communicating in a tongue that's just so gosh darned street.

On a cruise through "H-wood" to a rendezvous their friends—sorry, "peeps,"—the lads display an impressive command of linguistic bad-assery that makes Randy Jackson sound like Ryan Seacrest. An'whatnot.