Though Joel was on vacation this week—driving his custom four-wheeled Segway across the country searching out quaint regional fudge recipes—that doesn't mean horrible television took a break.

Let's review.

• As nasty as Godzilla was, at least he didn't display so much cleavage his mom got mad. Unlike a certain Bridezilla.
• Who knows what a shrimp job is? You can bet Tanner P. does, and he'd love to give one to The Bachelorette. Hint: It involves toes. 
• Hell hath no fury like a boy denied his World of Warcraft. Witness what account-cancelling mommy unleashed.
• Life-sized cardboard bear stalks Cleveland. Yes, it's a news story.