A quick message from the Soup braintrust:

Thank you for helping making this week’s Dish the highest rated to date. We obviously owe it all to Kim Zolciak’s terrific acting in this clip.

And for those of you who really do want to look like Kim, the lookalike kit's not real. Sorry fellas.

Anyway, help us spread the good word on The Dish, with foxy chuckle queen Danielle Fishel. And don't miss your next serving this Saturday at 10 p.m. ET/PT on the Style network.

As the subtle background harp glissandos lull you into a kind of lace-trimmed, homespun narco-state, Homekeepers' Arlene Rippy and her guest, chef Gaston, take making strawberry tuxedos to new heights of awkwardness.

And no, a strawberry tuxedo is not a newfangled sex act.

For most toddler pageant contestants, taking home anything less than first prize illicits tears, sobs and heartbreak.

For eight-year-old pistol Alyssa, however, it sparks a swift pedal roundhouse assault a judge won't soon forget.

Now that's a future Miss America.

What's that smell? Oh yeah, it's the stench of desperation as Tyra pushes the envelope of show topics.

In this shocking episode, the brave hostess reveals that there walk among us women who "starve themselves all day and binge drink at night," a condition she calls "drunkorexia."

Hmmm…and here, we thought it was called alcoholism.

Attention pregnant women.

Thanks to Kourtney Kardashian's enquiring mind, Good Day L.A.'s Jillian Reynolds—now bulging with child for the second time—provides some crucial advice on birthing etiquette.

Don't feel bad, baby daddy Scott. Apparently Jillian hubby Grant has a weak stomach, too.

On the red carpet at the 2009 Fox Reality Show Really Awards, tireless reporter Lance Bass dug up some interesting facts.

Like Hugh Hefner's secret to soiree success: Atmosphere? Check. Good grub 'n' grog? A given. Beautiful women? Duh.

Toilets? And plenty of 'em!

Hey, the guy oughta know. His sex life predates indoor plumbing.

You know things are getting serious on Tool Academy 2 when you hear an ominous chime in the tense background music.

And there it is, DONG, heralding the horror of the de rigeur reality show lie detector test.

Hillbilly tool Stew (dig his non-ironic "If I Don't Remember It Didn't Happen" t-shirt) reveals his fear of the machine. At least that's one thing he's not lying about.

Ever wonder why the young contestants on Brain Surge have so much energy?

Seething bride Ladrienna has a right to be angry.

Her bridesmaid pal was an hour and 20 minutes late to help Ladrienna return her wedding presents. To Walmart. For cash. Before she got married. We're not sure exactly how that works either.

Anyway, wait'll you hear her friend's excuse. Then decide whether she's referring to a trip to the Kwik-e-mart ... or just a quickie.

You've got to hand it to Tyra.

It takes a special combination of sensitivity, concern and enormous cojones to use a serious story about physically abusive women as an excuse to show off your shoe closet.

Answer: Jeopardy contestant who has had a Brazilian wax and has photos of it that are the last thing on earth you'd want to see.

Question: Who is the dude on this clip?

During her lifetime, a prone Marilyn Monroe found herself facing up at any number of famous names.

Now, you too can join the horizontal ranks of Joe DiMaggio, Arthur Miller, and (allegedly) a couple of high-powered Kennedys…provided you're dead.

Or will, at some point, be dead, and willing to spend perhaps millions of dollars. That's what it may take to nab the crypt above the late legend, located at Pierce Brothers Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery in Los Angeles.

The current topper, one Fred Poncher (supposedly buried facing downward) has been R.I.P.-ing in the crypt for the last 23 years, but, with a potential price in the millions, the family has decided to relocate Fred and put the exclusive real estate on ebay.

In life as in death: Location, location, location.