The Awful Truth

People

Dear Ted:
AT is part of my early morning ritual, helping me start the day on a light (or juicy) note before diving into work. Johnny Depp as People's Sexiest is fine by me—he's certainly do-able and sexy—but what in the world has he done to his face? I swear I didn't even recognize him in that picture. What do you make of the recent changes to his face and do you think he can tell how strange he looks? I've got nothing against fillers and corrective treatments—if they're done right the results can be rejuvenating and natural-looking—but it seems like so many stars go overboard or get terrible work done. Why is that? You'd think a big star would be choosier and go to the best. Also, why would People choose such a terrible photo for the cover and why would his people approve that ugly mug shot? Thanks!
—Kitty

Dear Depp Be-Gone:
I think the front pic isn't all that bad; it's pretty hard to make Depp look ugly.

Dear Ted:
I have some questions regarding Bradley Cooper. I get the feeling that he is a colossal egomaniac. There are never pictures of him out with friends. Does he have famous friends, if so who are they? I don't think he is gay but there is something about his personality he is hiding from us, am I right?
—Emma 

Dear Hermit Crab:
Coop isn't showing his true self, that's for sure. Totally doable, as he may be.

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if you ever get threatened by publicists whenever you publish a Blind Vice or other items rendering a particular celebrity's image suspicious. Aren't you worried for your safety? I admire you for putting the truth out there, or at least the best you can.
—Big Fan

Dear Worry Wart:
You've got no idea babe! I'm more concerned about a backlash of Twilight fans than publicists, though. They're tough-ass mothers!

Dear Ted:
Ok, you've given us a list of 12 guys who are not Toothy Tile. How about a list of 12 guys who are not Nevis Devine? Love ya.
—Salrob 

Dear Trying Easy:
Nevis has a few more years to go until he reaches the legendary status of Toothy. I'll think about it, though Good idea.

Dear Ted:
I'm gonna bitch. I have read you forevah but you have to stop the jumping to the next page to continue reading a storyline. It truly is fubar and takes way too long to load. (and I usually never complain about a delayed load! lol) Love you, love the furbabies, mine's a rescued lab that has more love in his eyes than a queen has mirrors. (Scorpios are awesome, right Ted?)
—KikiTopaz

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Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood. We'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy-goodie. 

Remember Crotch-Uh-Lastic? The hunky, rising, male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?

We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways...

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Albert Michael/startraksphoto.com

Dear Ted:
Who does Miley Cyrus think she is these days? First, claiming she's never heard a Jay-Z song and that she doesn't listen to pop music? And now, I've read reports that she is dissing the Twilight series. Based on the quotes it seems like she is going out of her way to alienate her own fan base. What's her deal, and will her fans continue to be loyal if she keeps it up?
—C

Dear Mouthy Miley:
Please, this letter is exactly what she wants! Since not everyone is focusing on all-Miley, all-the-time, she needs to stir up some trouble. Leave those kinda comments to Megan Fox, Miles, she does it way better.

Dear Ted:
I was just looking through People's Sexiest Man issue. How many of the drool worthy guys pictured in that issue are something other than hetero? Adam Lambert is one, so 2-3? 4? More than 5? Or would it be easier and less litigious for me to ask you which ones are straight as an arrow?
—Sebastiadams

Dear Yummy Edition:
People's (Out) Gayest Men Alive just wouldn't really sell, now would it?

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Peter Facinelli and Kellan Lutz? Are they just friends or do they have some hidden secrets? Any goss to share on them?
—Kym

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Istockphoto.com

Poor Judas Jack-Off. He now has it as bad as permanently closeted movie star Toothy Tile. Only, I fear Judas is not even pretending to be happy, quite unlike Toothy.

Remember, our very handsome and very unkind Judas is still trying to get the ditched BF to have sex, all the while out prancing to the gullible world with his gorgeous girlfriend—whenever there's an available photo op, that is.

But whereas Toothy actually likes hanging with the beard at home and out with the kids, Judas doesn't, at least not as much.

Maybe that's the reason Judas has suggested to the GF, whom he glumly now lives with, that they should both take up...

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Tony Barson/Getty Images; Edward Opinaldo/PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
Can we take a break from the teenage heartthrobs for a bit so I can inquire about a serious actor? One of my faves actually...Benicio del Toro. Ever been a BV? Any dirt? I realize he's not the young star du jour (hello R.Pattz) but he's an Academy Award winner and talent is still sexy...right? Thanks!
—Charlotte 

Dear Old School:
Yes the muy talented Oscar winner is not only a Blind Vice alum, he's also a notorious worshipper of supersexy chicks who wear ever more super-high stilettos! What is about high heels that turn straight guys on so much? Do they secretly want to wear them? 

Dear Ted:
So first I wanted to congratulate you for your column, I check it every day. I don't know if this has been asked before but is Toothy Tile Chace Crawford? Because he kinda has the gay vibe going on doesn't he?
—M_adriana

Dear Chace-ing for TT:
Wrong vice for Chacey!

Dear Ted:
I noticed that some of the gossip sites have picked up on the comments made by K.Stew about "I'm with him, I'm not with him, I'm a lesbian"...implying that she is, in fact gay. Do you think she will have to fess up one way or the other? Will Summit wring her neck for that statement? The suits must be s--ting a blue bean. By the way, you seem happier, I am happy for you.
—Sally 

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Lester Cohen/Getty Images; Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images

The hunt's been on for as long as Angelina Jolie's been working men—and women. Closeted quasi-hunky movie star Toothy Tile has legions of folks wondering who he is, and he's become our biggest Blind Vice superstar.

While Toothy's busy—chatting up fellow not-out gay stars or apparently trying to go straight—we're gonna help the guessing game along. In more of a, uh, back-door kinda way.

See, we're going to tell you fab detectives who Toothy isn't!

Behold our People Who Are Not Toothy Tile gallery! We'll start updating this more often so you sexy sniffers can see the fellas who most definitely are not the erstwhile closeted TT. And keep the guesses coming!

__________

Get clues to his identity in our People Who Are Not Toothy Tile gallery!

Is there a shot in hell our dear Toothy Tile could be really scared straight, as opposed to just scared into acting that way?

Our fave Current TV segment "That's Gay" written and performed by Bryan Safi (which is still way funnier than Brüno ever hoped to be) blasts the futile hobby some people have to convert gay men back to being straight.

Are people just bitter that the supercute, funny and talented Neil Patrick Harris is openly playing for Team Homo? Deal with it, folks! He's ours!

We certainly hope of all people, Toothy's watching this latest installment...

...so he can finally realize that no amount of happy family photo ops with his beard babe is ever going to convert him to full hetero. Just give up the pointless game, dude.

As for Bryan, he tells us no one's ever officially tried to persuade him to go straight, 'tho, "My mom occasionally still tries to set me up with her friends' daughters, 'Because Bryan, never say never.'"

Yeah, good luck with that, girls!

_______

Could Toothy Tile's identity be hiding in our Blind Vice Superstars Gallery?

Jim Spellman/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Justin Long made a cameo when Drew Barrymore hosted, same for Scarlett Johansson when her hubby, Ryan Reynolds, was on the show...getting your significant other to guest spot is all the rage these days! Would be one helluva great way to tell the world they're more than amigos. So Gerard Butler was the guest host Saturday night, and James Franco made a cameo.
—JLM

Dear Saturday Night Gay:
Love where your dirty head's at. But like Jennifer Aniston would really stop by or something? Sorry—don't think either dude would be so obvious, were they truly launching on each other, which, of course, would be so hot.

Dear Ted:
I heart you and am a huge fan. I've been reading your column since back when you referred to Gwyneth as "Fishstick." But I'm bothered by your comments on Hollywood women like Gwynnie, Jen Garner, etc. If they demand proper treatment from their husbands, you call them bitchy and manipulative. If they try to work it out with scummy men (Sean Penn, Duchovny, etc.) they are spineless. You can't have it both ways, Ted. I know healthy relationships don't make for good gossip, but what would you have a woman do?
–Nancy

Dear Not Exactly:
Definitely don't think there are only two categories for women in Hollywood. But think of it this way—in order to make it to the top of the H'wood ladder, it doesn't just take talent, babe. There are loads of decent actresses in this town. It takes cunning and thick skin—something not all "nice" girls (and boys) don't always have

Dear Ted:
Nick Jonas has been spotted with Courtney Galiano at these places! All of these are true and pictures have been posted on Oceanup: Kings of Leon concert, leaving AMC movie together, jogging together in Breast Concert marathon, putting her in Bounce video, picking her up at her hotel Niagara on the Lake. He also took her to the first baseball games they attended in Toronto. Nick is sitting next to Courtney and they both look like they are drinking Diet Coke. Hello Pedo! It's so gross. What are his parents thinking? FYI as of 8/17 she had a steady BF she said in a chat! So, she leaves her BF of 3 yrs for a boy? She's a woman.
—Born to sell

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Good news: Ever since Toothy Tile decided to permanently bury himself in the proverbial Hollywood closet, it's almost as if Lloyd Boy-Toyed decided to up his bent for dangerous, risk-taking sexual activities. No, not talkin' about getting it on without a condom—or in a car in a West Hollywood parking lot—but, something almost as rebelliously mindless: like hitting on a reporter.

Now, even though Lloyd's always had a penchant for doing things like...

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Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
With all your talk about Brad/Angelina and Ben Affleck/Jennifer Garner, it got me thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow. Since she was in serious relationships with both Brad and Ben, I wondered what went wrong? Is it because she is so difficult or did Brad have wandering eyes even back then and was Ben too spineless for her? And what is the state of her union with Chris Martin?
—Annie

Dear Pissed Off Paltrow:
Hmm, why do you have me suddenly channeling the numbers 6-6-6 and Gywnie-poo simultaneously? You're right, something devilish sure is up with her, wonder if Chris Martin will be the next to succumb her witchy ways? I still think Martin's music's pretty good, but, there sure are a lotta folks who don't agree. And heaven knows it's not easy being Mr. Paltrow—I hear that from many fronts.

Dear Ted:
Can you unravel my curiosity and confusion? What is everybody's problem with Katherine Heigl? She's gorgeous, smart, and a very good actress! The rest of her is not our problem.
—Ili

Dear Verbal Diahriah:
That unstoppable mouth and 'tude of hers is everyone's problem.

Dear Ted:
Okay. I'm going to go ahead and say it. I think I know why so many people hate the idea of Rob Pattinson hooking up with Megan Fox last year. They can't believe he could be with "her" and then "settle" for Kristen Stewart. There, I said it. I, as the mother of a future man, am pissed and saddened that so many people assume men only care about looks in a woman. Megan is pretty, but so is Kristen (like she really needs me to defend her, oh and she didn't need plastic surgery to be so stunning either) and she obviously has something more going on with her other than her looks.
—Bubble

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INFphoto.com

Dear Ted:
I'm baffled. Why do you keep going after Jon Gosselin, when Kate Gosselin is just as much of a con-man and guilty of pimping her children out? Granted, Jon is a tool, no doubt, but a simple Google search will turn up plenty o' facts about ol' Kate and her money-grubbing, witchy, and questionable parenting ways. And I'm sorry, I know everyone talks about how pretty she is—please! She looks like she's always got food stored in the sides of her cheeks ala The Godfather. All I'm saying is, she's just as evil and the media is making her out to be some kind of saint in that whole mess. And she is not. Thanks! You're the best!
—Mel 

Dear Jon-Sided:
I'm so sick of both of them I could scream. But at least Kate is still taking care of the kids, and supporting them. While both Gosselin's have selfish intentions, it's the whole "lesser of two evils" thing, ya know? The lesser being Kate, shocker.

Dear Ted:
Hey, love all you guys. Roman Polanski stinks, but I bet you smell wonderful Teddy Bear! Quick question: if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart just gave the paps what they want (i.e. public kissing/hand holding/ass grabbing...sorry), do you think the relentless hounding and chasing would die down a bit? I personally think it would.
—Bubble

Dear Picture Perfect:
It would for a while...that first shot is going for a lot hence the over-stalking by the paparazzi. Robsten would unfortunately still be hunted down after that.

Dear Ted:
Love you and love Robsten, too! I have an observation and a question from the video taken on Saturday night at their hotel. I have mixed feelings on this footage. On one hand, I agree that they should not be hounded or hurt and certainly would not expect for them to stop when there is a large crowd of excited fans! However, on Saturday it appears that they simply missed the elevator and there were a couple of hotel guests just standing there waiting for the elevator, as well. The paps were outside the hotel, it seems and an onlooker took the "elevator pix" of Kristen Stewart. I guess my feeling is that since there were so few people at this one spot, it could have been an opportunity to be gracious and well, normal, which both of them seem to want so desperately. Instead there are apologies and anxiety. My question is...can we expect them from now on to be totally distant from fans, even when it appears that they are not in any danger? It was so weird! 
—Lrosenthal 

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Tony Barson/Getty Images; Gaz Shirley; PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
I'm upset that stars I respected, like Natalie Portman and Tilda Swinton, are defending Roman Polanski. Do they actually think vaginally and anally raping a 13-year-old is no big thing, or are they cynically trying to be on his good side if he directs again? So sorry to hear about your heartache!
—Marian

Dear Good Question:
Honestly, it hurts my brain too much to try to understand some people's way of thinking. Like, get a clue, people—imagine just how that violation might feel before you sign on to condone it.

Dear Ted:
What's your take on all this Jon Gosselin nonsense? Two questions. Who is going to support this family if the show is taken away? Do you think it's in the best interest of the children for the show to end?
—Madisyn

Dear Labor Laws:
Absolutely I think the show should end. With Jon out parading his penis and its new fling every 5 minutes, these kids already are more likely to catch Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan syndrome. Kate may be a shrew, but she's a hard working one at that. She'll bring home the bitchy bacon. 

Dear Ted:
I just read the excerpts from the magazine article Kristen Stewart did with Interview magazine. Her level of maturity and her ability to articulate blew me away. Some consider KS awkward, socially inept and even "bitchy" (to use a word I hate), but I believe she was very sincere in her responses, unlike other actors who "BS" their way through interviews. What's your deep down, truly honest opinion of KS? Your insight carries a great deal of weight with your fans, especially since you have studied and interviewed her yourself. Thanks
—Ann

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